I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
