doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
