do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
