White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
