So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
