I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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