o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Two words: nipple clamps
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