I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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