Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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