I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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