Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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