If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize