So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
