i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Watching her eat just hurts me
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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