Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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