You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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