I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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