I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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