I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
