if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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