I haven't been this sober since birth.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
