How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
