I'd wear matching sweaters with you
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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