made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
