I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
