I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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