we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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