They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
