I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
