Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
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