So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
