i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
