I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
