angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just gift wrapped bread.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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