Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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