He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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