Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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