I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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