the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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