Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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