do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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