it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
