meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She bit a glass in half.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize