I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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