12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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