i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
