just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
