The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
