Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
