Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
