omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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