"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
