life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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