i already hear my dad disowning me
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
