I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
