I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
