ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
