Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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