When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
