So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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